Have it Your Way

We all know that we can’t always have things our way. Sooner or later, we have to put our own preferences and opinions aside, and let someone else make the final call. But not all ways of ceding control are the same, and it makes a difference which we choose.

One way of giving up control is passivity. This happens when we believe we don’t have the option of control. In the absence of real influence and agency, we simply admit that we are powerless, and accept it. In some cases, this kind of approach is healthy. Railing against a hurricane or a terminal illness is unlikely to help, and it often distracts us from the real work at hand. But when passivity grows out of learned helplessness, it does us no favors. It usually leads to passive aggression, resentment, and emotional stonewalling of the worst kind.

Another way to give up control is to actively defer. We might see that someone else has more experience, or more influence than we do, and decide to let them take charge. This, too, has its place. There are times when we need to lead, and times when we need to be led. Letting someone else take that lead can be the quickest way to get everyone rowing in the same direction. The danger, though, is that we sometimes defer to pure status rather than wisdom or skill. When that’s the case, we do ourselves and everyone around us a disservice.

The final way to cede control is to do it through openness. Instead of withholding our thoughts and ideas, we offer them up with a willingness to to test them, and an openness to other ideas that may prove to be better. We say what we believe and what we prefer, but we don’t cling to them as if they’re the only acceptable versions of the truth. 

True agency doesn’t require that you get you want--it just means that you get to put your desires on the table, along with everyone else’s.