Messy Feelings
When confronted with other people’s emotions, our first instinct is often to back away and make believe it’s not happening. A lot of that is just self-protection. Whether we like it or not, we all have mirror neurons, and when someone else has strong emotions, it can be contagious. A little social distancing seems safer, at least until we know what’s going on.
Another reason we fail to acknowledge people’s emotions is that we’re embarrassed for them. We know how uncomfortable we’d feel if our emotions overflowed in public. We want to let them save face.
And finally, we shy away from emotions because we don’t know what to do with them. Are we supposed to fix them somehow? Are we supposed to comfort? What if there’s nothing we can do?
When someone else is overcome by their emotions, I find it helpful to remind myself what those emotions are NOT:
They aren’t who that person is. An emotion isn’t an identity, it’s something people experience. It comes and it goes.
They aren’t something we need to fix. Emotions aren’t a defect of the human condition, they’re a feature. They are information about someone’s internal world and experience--information we can use.
They aren’t something to agree or disagree with. An emotion isn’t an event--it’s a response to an event. The person having the emotion may have a theory about what caused it or who to blame for it, and that’s their prerogative. You don’t have to agree with them. You can recognize emotions and validate them without endorsing any theory of their cause.
All of this leads to a surprisingly simple conclusion. When someone has strong feelings, nothing is required of you other than to recognize them. That’s it. Let them feel what they’re feeling. Let them know they’re seen. If you love them, let them know that’s not going to change.
The best response to messy emotions usually isn’t to turn away or ignore them. Often, it’s just to be there. That’s a lot harder than it sounds, of course, but it’s a good place to start.
