All Ears

You can tell the difference, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it. 

Often, people listen in order to respond. After hearing your first few words, their lips start twitching as they formulate their words in their mouths. They fill their lungs with air, so they’re ready to jump in as soon as you leave them an opening. Then, with lightning speed, they put in their two cents: their opinion, their hypothesis, their counterargument--to demonstrate their intellect or status or worth.

Once in a while, though, you run into someone who listens to understand. They’re relaxed and open. They breathe easily, in and out. Their eyes are focused on you, not on the thoughts racing around in the backs of their heads. And when you finally do pause, they take their time to respond, or they simply ask a question so they can understand even better.

Here’s something to try: whenever you’re in a conversation with someone, take a moment to notice how they listen, and how that makes you feel. Then, armed with that information, make a decision about how you want to listen, and how you want them to feel.