The Conversations

In the book “Supercommunicators” the author Charles Duhigg wrote about three different kinds of conversations, and had the crucial epiphany that sometimes they happen simultaneously. 

The first conversation is the practical one. How should the dishwasher be loaded, should the toilet seat be up or down, will I get a raise or a promotion this year, or why did I swing at that high fastball on a 3-and-1 count.

The second conversation is the emotional one. I’m feeling frustrated, ignored, sad, frightened, or turned on.

And finally, there’s the third conversation, which is relational. What kind of friends/siblings/lovers/co-workers are we? Do we care about each other? Can we trust each other?

To these three, I’ll add a fourth one, which comes from John and Julie Gottmans’ book “Fight Right.” That’s the conversation about unrealized dreams. If I don’t get this promotion, what does that say about my career and my self-worth? If I can’t confront you about this, what does that say about my ability to stand up for myself as an independent person? If you don’t retire this year, what does that say about how we’re going to spend our golden years?

Often, when we struggle in a conversation, it’s because we’re actually having different conversations at the same time. Understanding that there are multiple conversations in play, and agreeing on which conversation or conversations to have, is the crucial first step in actually connecting.